*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]
Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?