@BoomBoomBetty

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

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@d_duhwit

*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

@ReeseButCallMeV

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

@senderblock23

Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno

@LADaddy

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

@ibid78

“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

@DiscoCanadian

[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]

Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?