“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.