“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*