Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Wait a minute…
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Cake safety first. Always.
In banana years, I am bread.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body