10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Found the job I’m suited for
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
so much to do
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”