“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out