Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”

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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon


I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.


goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles


Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons


Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.


“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”


MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.


Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”


one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it