cw: Bless you
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires
WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Studs put the stds in u.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am