@jonnysun

COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires
WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO

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@iwearaonesie

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

@fowlerism

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

@AntozWolf

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@ericsshadow

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@toomanytoes

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am