Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

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*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.


Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”


*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”


AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]


Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.


75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.


ME: So, was I a good person on earth?

GOD: Mostly

ME: Mostly?

GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding

ME: So?

GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing

ME: Yeah, that’s bad

GOD: And not even just to dance songs either

ME: Okay I get it

GOD: You barely got in here


Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.


Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.