Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix