Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.