I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”
My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*Lowers raised hand.
Where’s the nearest cycle path you meant?
Thought you said psychopath.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.