@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

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@junejuly12

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.

@joejwest

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

@eedrk

alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why

@OakHill_

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

@ShaunRightNow

I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

@sydneysagehorn

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”