@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

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@AdamOfEarth

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

@3sunzzz

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

@om_eye_goodness

i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.

@SexyInsomniac

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

@ADHDeanASL

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

@alyssawolff

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.