COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Waiting for the Charmin
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally