cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*


ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one


I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting


[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it


A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..


Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.


According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?


My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.


The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today