cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Have kids, they said
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u