Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.