@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

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@thesulk

When I call 911, I’m gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.

@UncleDuke1969

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

@Angibangie

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@isaidwhat_

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

@heyitsJudeD

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

@Thunderhunk3000

Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.

@UnFitz

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

@SnarkyMommy78

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*