Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.