The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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“So you spend 6 bucks on a beverage that has no booze in it on purpose?”
-me to everyone at Starbucks.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
lmao this has gotta be from some Tim and Eric bit
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
comfortable: *slaps hand away*