cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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I bought Oreos for my kid鈥檚 camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I think the cat got the dog high.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
MY KID: I鈥檓 ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I鈥檝e got a whole cake in here.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
馃幍 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 馃幍
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
What鈥檚 parenting 4 kids like so far?
I鈥檝e called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Employees must applaud the planets.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F