@climaxximus

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

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@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.

@moose_chocolate

“So you spend 6 bucks on a beverage that has no booze in it on purpose?”

-me to everyone at Starbucks.

@simoncholland

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

@FeverFlave

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

@Prof_Hinkley

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”