*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
me and my fake scenarios
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I put the h in mysterious.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.