@DaddyJew

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

- @DaddyJew

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@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch

@Shen_the_Bird

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

@SirEviscerate

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

@KalvinMacleod

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

@SteveKoehler22

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.