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@DaddyJew: Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
@iLikeCatShirts: Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
@lifeattiffanys: Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
@ipalatsky: Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
@caliluvgirl77: Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer's Stone
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals