if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.