@truegritrumble

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

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@markydoodoo

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

@JohnLyonTweets

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@joeyellis

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

@daplusk

Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they’re a donut

@birdie_app

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails