COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Thursday
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
TRAIN’S HERE
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you