I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they’re a donut
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails