Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long