Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
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[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
This is a true ally.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.