Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Strange
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.