COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.