cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*