cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
U talkin 2 me?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.