@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

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@Kryzazy

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

@TweetPotato314

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@MarfSalvador

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

@Storminika

Can’t afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market.
Me: ‘Shhh, they’re asleep’
‘Mom, they’re breaded’
Me: ‘That’s their blankie’

@evan_breen

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

@jazmasta

Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?