@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

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@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@Gorilla_Turd

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

@ErinChack

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

@mollzbenn

“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.

@junejuly12

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

@UncleDuke1969

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

@Gupton68

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

@LosLos__

[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”