[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”
Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!
(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me as a parent
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Can’t afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market.
Me: ‘Shhh, they’re asleep’
‘Mom, they’re breaded’
Me: ‘That’s their blankie’
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?