Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list