No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
just having fun
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.