@thenatewolf
@alexlumaga
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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@alexlumaga
@Elizasoul80
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
@professor_eks
If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.
@nefariousPeterD
Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
@iLikeCatShirts
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
@nevernicethings
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
@aotakeo
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
@bea_ker
[circus school]
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”
@obviousplant_
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
@JohnLyonTweets
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!