@thenatewolf

Cop: are you on drugs?

Me: no of course not

Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you

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@alexlumaga

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

@Elizasoul80

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

@professor_eks

If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.

@nefariousPeterD

Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile

@iLikeCatShirts

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

@nevernicethings

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

@aotakeo

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

@bea_ker

[circus school]
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”

@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…