Cop: are you on drugs?

Me: no of course not

Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you

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*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…


[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!


If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.


Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile


Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???


Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.



me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised


[circus school]
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”


I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…