cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
This guy gets it.