@Vodkantots

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.

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@Sanbel11

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

@KDonhoops

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@spitfirehussy

You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@Molly_Kats

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

@iamspacegirl

Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*