The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
just witnessed a drug deal
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good