@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

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@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@HyenaEars

What is the term for a group of Canadians?

Is it “an apology”?

“Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians”

@WheelTod

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

@Addison_Peacock

Hello today a woman got huffy with me because she didn’t know sabertooth cats were extinct and expected the museum to have a live one on display

@HenpeckedHal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@Parkerlawyer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.