I’m a carbie girl in a barbie world.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Me: and he rose from the grave
Me: because of the yeast?
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains