My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
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*Steve Carell washes hands*
What is the term for a group of Canadians?
Is it “an apology”?
“Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Hello today a woman got huffy with me because she didn’t know sabertooth cats were extinct and expected the museum to have a live one on display
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.