Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever