If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever.
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Man at garage: “Are you claiming this off your own insurance?” Me: “Yes. I don’t think the deer I hit had any insurance.”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Not all heroes wear capes
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”