@pragmatistic

Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever.

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@ronnui_

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

@celticrose2312

Man at garage: “Are you claiming this off your own insurance?” Me: “Yes. I don’t think the deer I hit had any insurance.”

@ch000ch

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@ericONEderful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

@ArfMeasures

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

@StellaRtwot

I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”