“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?