Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?
*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”