@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

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@jazmasta

Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?

@TheCatWhisprer

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

@FredTaming

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”