@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

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@tweetsvisual

I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@PimpBillClinton

Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.

@boring_as_heck

I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.

@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

@TheCiscoKidder

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

@ShellHasDragons

I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.