@jazmasta
Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?
@Fred_Delicious
*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*
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@jazmasta
@TheCatWhisprer
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
@Skoog
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
@badbanana
I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
@KatMcSnatch
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
@FredTaming
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
@FredTaming
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
@imadepoopstoday
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
@JohnLyonTweets
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”