@EndhooS

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

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@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@TweetPotato314

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@LittleHarmonica

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@daddydoubts

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

@momsense_ensues

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

@Parkerlawyer

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

@FrankConniff

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

@jonnysun

“911 whats ur emergency”
omg im DYING
“we’ll send someone right awa–”
i met THE funiest guy
“ok wait so ur not actualy–”
AND HE STABBED ME