COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You Might Also Like
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
What the hell is going on?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Hank is one in a melon.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Yes
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
repaired
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.