cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
termite twitter scares me
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority