@AudreyPorne

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

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@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@copymama

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

@Sleinso

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

@Crunch11b

About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.

@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@pittdave13

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

@huntigula

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”