@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

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@TheAlexNevil

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

@trevso_electric

Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.

@therealeatwood

[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]

BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?

ME: [lifting veil] I do

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@Samiam556

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

@Fickle_Filly

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@squirrel74wkgn

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow