COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.


The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool


Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered


Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!


I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.


I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.


Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.