@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

You Might Also Like

@Gupton68

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

@iamdevloper

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

@NotthatAdamWest

Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered

@ThaJawn

Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!

@JJSummertime

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

@Naked_Wombat

I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.

@dlockw21

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.