@Cpin42
@TheAlexNevil
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
You Might Also Like
@TheAlexNevil
@bobvulfov
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
@trevso_electric
Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.
@therealeatwood
[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]
BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?
ME: [lifting veil] I do
@KenJennings
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.
@Samiam556
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
@Fickle_Filly
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
@UnFitz
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
@squirrel74wkgn
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
@chrissyteigen
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow