Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
oh it was a typo, cool
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered
Phill: *gets stung by a stingray
Me: *pees on his wound
Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings
Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.