People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.
[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]
BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?
ME: [lifting veil] I do
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow