COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
when someone compliments me
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
👾👾👾
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Brother?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”