COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.