@EndhooS

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

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@Pro_Jones_

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

@KentWGraham

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

@Billie_Jean00

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

@Staggfilms

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

@ehchino

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.