Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*


Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.


I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”


I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree


Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.


On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.


If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody


Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother