The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.