cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.