If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”
They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea