@climaxximus

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

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@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

@Dawn_M_

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

@paulrobalino

Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right

@SteveKoehler22

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@TweetsByKaylee

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

@Tmoney68

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

@JasonLastname

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea