My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”