COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff