Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.