When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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You learn something every day
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?