Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“I wouldn’t.”