COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

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If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic


The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.


[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …


My therapist asked me, “How would leaving twitter make you feel?”
I replied by asking him, “How would switching therapists make you feel?”


Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.


Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno


My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.


I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve