COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.