COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.