@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

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@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

@prufrockluvsong

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

@not_thenanny

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

@LnL245

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

@KyleMcDowell86

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

@lifeisforkedup

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

@JWilsonGA

No, PSA, buzzed driving isn’t drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.

@ObscureGent

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.